Several days this month I've wept on my way to work and had to pull myself together. About climate change. About hatred. About oppression of peaceful peoples. About threats to individuals and institutions of integrity. About fissures in families. About complete lack of understanding between people.
Today it got me pretty good. Small problems. Big problems. So many problems. But I know better. I know it doesn't serve to feel helpless. I know how to find my way back to center. To put my hands back on the wheel and get back to driving. I sat down and wrote this:
Tonight I'm feeding my soul.
Tonight I'm grateful.
And I started listing things I'm grateful for.
The simplicity of hard work. My friends. God bless my friends. My family. The fucking best. The brave souls holding their ground at Standing Rock. The millions of people standing up and pushing back to the hatred that has reared its ugly head. My home, my landlord, my neighbors. By bedraggled car that soldiers on in spite of what I put it through. Luna cat. My physical safety. My financial safety. Food. Wine. Wine class. Dukes. The things that tie people together. Breath. California. Love and connection. Education, and in particular my education. Compassion. Yoga. Health. Tears. My body. Healing work and healers. Prayer. Writing and art. Music. My supporters. Focus and discipline.
And I started weeping. Again.
Something cracked open in me. I could suddenly feel the pain and fear of the people whose positions I don't understand right now.
And then I wrote this:
It's all connection in the end. Everything is about connection, as disconnected as we can feel.
I guess the truth is I feel heartbreakingly disconnected from other humans. But I just remembered that they're all in pain...in our pain we destroy ourselves. That's the only thing that explains the destruction of our planet.
It's my job to be a lighthouse. That's what I'm here to do. That's my role. To stand here and remind everyone who is willing to listen that we are all deeply, profoundly interconnected. The fear that keeps us from our light is an illusion. It feels painful. It's not even real. It's here to teach our souls.
I gave myself the reminder to sink in. And I wrote my intentions for this new moon.
Be the lighthouse.
Lean into the fear, feel it, and learn from it.
Love more fiercely than ever.
It's my job to be the lighthouse. That's my only job. The fight in me makes me strong enough to stand here. To speak out. To uphold integrity, be my word, and not take any shit. To hold my ground, and remember who I am so I can remind us all who we actually are.
Stand here and be the light.